It has been a few weeks since I have sat down to write, and a lot has happened in the meantime, and what follows is a direct instruction that I have received for my own benefit. It is addressed to “You” and in this case, “You” is “me.”
You have been on a journey toward the discovery of your authentic self this year, and you are just starting to see the larger picture of all the smaller lessons that you have been learning. This understanding is bringing you peace in your interpersonal relationships and satisfaction in your life. You are starting to see that you can live in a state of inner peace and participate in the world, without letting the affairs of other people interfere with your own internal way of being. For a long time in your life you have saught the approval of others, and felt happy or sad depending on the degree to which you are successful in eliciting positive responses from people.
This causes you to play different roles in different situations so that you can satisfy the expectations of others. You are one way for your family, another for your church, and yet another for your employer, and still another for the public. These different personas are the roles that you have played on the different stages of your life. Everyone does this to a certain extent.
And so you met the Warrior Spirit of the Rainbow Wind at the top of the Canyon, who dances with the Sun and the Mist at the Top of the Canyon and casts Rainbows all around. The Warrior Spirit plays no roles, he just dances and his dance is a prayer. The lesson of the Warrior Spirit is to present your authentic self before the divine. It has been a long journey from your childhood to where you are now, and you have a long journey yet to go before you fully embody your divine self. But for now, you can be satisfied that you have arrived where you are, that you are on your journey, and that you may take your rest from time to time as you walk your path.
In this journey the first lesson you have had to work on is to recognize and know your authentic self. This has caused a lot of upheaval in your personal relationships over the last several months, because you have upset the expectations of people who were counting on you to continue to fulfill the same roles you had always fulfilled in the past. And you must have patience and compassion for this process, because it is you who is changing the agreements you have made with others to live separate and apart from your authentic self.
The process of growing into your authentic self has had two separate aspects. The first has been the process of coming to know your shadow and who you really are. You have always wanted to take the right actions in the world, but you have been afraid of your own interior animal nature which sometimes can be attracted to things that you have judged to be “bad” in some way. You have not wanted to admit or recognize these aspects of yourself, and therefore you have denied your own true nature and created a “shadow” self which you do not even want to look at.
The first part of your journey was to recognize and embrace all aspects of yourself as you were created. You were created by God and you are fundamentally good, and there is nothing wrong with the way you were built and designed. You have made promises to people to comport yourself in particular ways so that you can build the structures of your life together, and it is honorable to live in accordance with these agreements that you have made. For an easy illustration that is free from your small minded moral judgments, we can look to an analogy of preservation of a natural resource, say a fishing ground.
Imagine that all of the fishermen in a village recognized that they had overfished the reef outside their village, and so they all agree to let the section of reef recover for a few years. And so the fisherman sail over their traditional fishing ground and put out their lines farther away. It is tempting to every fisherman to cheat the system and drop their lines into the recovering water, but they resist this temptation and continue sailing farther out so that the reef can recover. They can acknowledge and admit that they are tempted to fish on the reef.
But in your society, you do not accept your natural selves and desires. You live as if you were a fisherman who would deny that he would even like to cast his line in the near shore waters. You deny your essential nature because you are afraid of what you might do and the judgments you might receive from others as a consequence. And you therefore have denied that this aspect of yourself even exists. You white wash yourself so that you appear perfect in front of others. This is the birth place of hypocrisy.
And so the first part of your lesson is to embrace your shadow and evaluate your agreements. You honor your agreements in your daily life, because it is by honoring agreements that you can build the structures of your life like home and family. If you were to go running off after every temptation that came in front of you, you would accomplish nothing in the world. You would just run in circles seeking external gratification. This is not the path to a happy and fulfilled life.
However, you must embrace yourself as a child and creation of God. If left to your own devices free from the judgmental eyes of others, what would you really do? Really you would not do anything inherently bad, because you are inherently a good person. You can trust yourself to act according to your internal guidance because you are essentially good. You might face occasional temptations to indulge your material appetites, but you have developed sufficient discernment and self control to act according to your higher values.
So the first step of this journey for you has been to come to know and embrace your authentic self. You are a creature of God, God is in your heart, you are essentially good. and there is no aspect of yourself that you must reject, judge or hate. With that understanding you can make and honor the agreements in your life that enable you to build structures and meaning. That is an ongoing process of constant adjustment and re-evaluation. You are free to alter any agreements in your life that no longer serve your highest and best good.
The second aspect of this lesson is to recognize the roles that you have played in your life. You have seen these as separate personas that you inhabit as necessary to navigate different situations. You have your cocktail party persona, your work persona, family thanksgiving persona. And you have the roles you play.
You have seen that growing up, with your physical deformity in your chest and your situation at home, that you stepped into the role of the hyper independent capable problem solver. You did not trust that you were worthy of love simply because you are part of the human family, and it is human nature to love each other. You cut yourself off from others thinking that you were somehow not worthy of this basic interaction. And so you became a solitary person with a love of nature, animals, reading, and you learned to get by on your own. You found security in the role because it gave you a reason that you could hold on to and believe for why people needed you around. For your early adult life from the age of 21 to only recently, you have relied on your capabilities to justify your social relationships.
But you learned that it is not the same to be needed as it is to be loved, and so you attracted needy people into your life. These people did not give love back to you, instead, they put hooks in you to keep you close because they believed, with your encouragement, that they needed you and your capabilities to be ok themselves. You yourself have, until very recently, encouraged exactly this behavior. You felt insecure about your own worth as a human, and then believed that people would only accept you if you continued to supply exactly what it was that you supplied to get them to like you in the first place.
Do you remember the show you were putting on way back in 2006? Do you remember the juggling of plates and the Spencer Stewart Show? Do you remember struggling to keep your wife, your boss, your family happy by always being the competent one who got the job done? Do you remember when this entire facade collapsed under it’s own weight and you lost all of the structures that you had built? And then your turning point came in 2011, when you found your spiritual path, and you first found people who loved you even when you had nothing to offer in the material world?
This was the start of your journey to your authentic self, and it has taken you another 11 years to arrive at the point that you are now.
Your next lesson is to always inhabit your authentic self. This is what is meant by the lines in the hymns from the Santo Daime about “I live with my master on the small boat that sails in the sea”. You in your small boat with the master, is you in your heart with your divine connection. You can call this Yeshua, you can call it Jesus, you can call it the Buddha within, you can call it your divine light, or your soul, or whatever you want to call it. But it’s essence is this. You live in your sacred heart and you are the divine child of God that lives there in your sacred heart. You must know and love this authentic being that you are.
And then the next aspect of this is your multifaceted prism shield that extends out from your third eye in front of you and then wraps all the way around your back. You wear this shield out in the world, and it protects you in your interactions with others. This is very different from the different personas you used to employ. In your old way of being, you yourself would leave your authentic self and adopt a different persona according to the needs and expectations of every moment. This also served to protect your authentic self from the judgments of the world, but it also had the effect of hiding your authentic self even from you. The ego structures thus created were weak and defensive and required tremendous effort for you to maintain. This caused you exhaustion, concern, and suffering.
So you learned to use a shield to protect your authentic self as you go in the world, while always inhabiting your own heart. This caused some upset in your relationships, because you no longer invested so much effort into soliciting desirable reactions from other people. This multifaceted shield is a beautiful gift you have received from the Warrior Spirit.
And now you are in the next phase. Now that you inhabit your authentic self, and employ a magic shield to hide and protect your sacred interior self in the world, now it is time to start putting down the roles and fantasies that have been the center of your life.
Instead of playing roles to please others, your new way of being will be to always give the best of yourself in pursuit of your divine mission. Say that again. Your lesson is to always give the best of yourself in pursuit of your divine mission. Simple as that.