Dr. Lores knew my father. “He died a number of years ago, didn’t he?” Yes, 2013. My Dad was chief of surgery at Doctors Hospital. He was chief of surgery at every hospital he ever worked at. He died in 2013, and he left Miami back in about 1985, so there are not a lot of doctors around who remember him anymore. But Dr. Lores has been in his office since I was a kid, and so he knew my father. He knows my Uncle, who lives in New York now.
Dr. Lores came in on Wednesday even though his practice is normally closed on Wednesday because he wanted to see me himself. We played the same game with the fingers and he mapped out my visual field on a piece of graph paper. Then he sent me with his PA to do the test in the machine. The machine printed out the same picture, but on different paper and somehow less convincing. It seemed so much more real when he was asking me when I could see the end of his thumb.
It’s amazing that both eyes, tested individually, both show the same pattern of blindness. “It’s up to you if you think you can drive a car, but I promise you this, if you ever hit anything with a visual field like this, the lawyers are going to take everything you own.” What about the kid on the bike? No thanks.
“You might get a little better over the next two months, but not much, if at all.”
It’s good that I can see at all! I went to my workout with Katie right after the doctor. I was actually 15 minutes late, but she waited. I was in no mood to work out. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. Katie was not having any of it. “Oh come on” she said, “you told me last week that it wasn’t going to get better. You already knew that.” and “The one thing that has changed is that you can’t drive anymore. That sucks. But that’s it. You’re fine.” Those are not direct quotes, but they are brilliant words in their simplicity and truth.
Am I thinking it, or am I doing it? Am I thinking that I am handling all of this in the best way I can, or am I handling this in the best way that I can? What is the best way to handle this? Take good care of myself in full appreciation of my condition. Learn to cope with my vision being as it is. Make any necessary adjustments in my life. Get on with it. Stay happy. Stay engaged. Stay fulfilled. Happiness? You don’t need happiness all the time. That comes and goes. You need to be fulfilled. What do you want to retire now? Are you done? I don’t want to retire ever. I do want to ski. Someone can help me ski. I don’t need to drive. Someone can drive for me.
I watched some videos on PFO closure on YouTube. It’s amazing. They stick a little umbrella through the hole, and then when they pull through, another umbrella opens on the other side and they snap together, and then a layer of cells grows over the device. I think I can go off of blood thinners.
I really don’t want to take blood thinners for the rest of my life. I want to stop bleeding. Blood clots form for a reason, and I’ve had plenty of reasons for them over the course of my life.
Adaptation. I might not be able to see better, but I can definitely adapt better. I can learn to function better.
Stephanie is still in Brazil doing our joint mission. She is very brave being there and she would be right here with me if I asked her to be. But she is there doing something that is very important to both of us. She is hosting several visitors from the field of neuroscience of all things in our house there. And here I am in Miami, going through a very neuroscience type of experience. She’s been down there for five days, which is about one day longer than it takes for me to really miss her. I don’t know if plant medicines will help to heal my brain. But I do know that they sure help to heal what I think about the situation. Faith or Fear. Faith every time.